How to Be the Best He’s Ever Had

1:00time how to be a better lover. Strange question to bring to a man until you realize I'm the man they actually trust to answer it. I'm Tari, founder of Closeness and For over a decade, women have come to me to figure out their own bodies and stop guessing about what's working. So today, unapologetically, I'm going to teach you 10 unusual ways that you can become a genuinely better lover. Most of them will be things you've never been told and at least a couple your husband or boyfriend is dying for you to hear but may never say to your face. Let me go ahead and get ahead of the obvious objections now. Why have you never got a straight answer before? Because if you ask a man, how am I in bed? What can I do for you? What turns you on? You almost certainly have been handed one of the dullest replies I've ever heard.

1:48I don't know. A shrug? Oh, you're perfect. Whatever you're doing is fine. I love everything that you do. And I think there are two reasons that men do this, and neither one is laziness. The first is well within your control, and that is that he has learned it is not safe for him to tell you the truth.

2:07The average woman handed one honest note about her own performance does not take it well. Well, she might get paranoid. She spirals. Some of you, and you know exactly who you are, will lose it entirely.

2:22Never forget the comment and not only make sure that you never do that one thing again, even if they say they like it. But you'll likely pull back, go cold, or punish your man for the rest of his life. So he's trapped. You asked for the feedback, but the feedback gets him punished. He learns through your exclusive teaching that to say you're amazing and keep the rest to himself. The second reason is simpler and a little sweeter. A lot of men feel lucky to be with you. He does think you're stunning. He thinks that whatever you do is wonderful. And the honest truth is that women have a very interesting unfair advantage over men in the bedroom. Because almost any way that you move, respond or breathe is somehow going to read as soft, feminine, sensual, adorable or vulnerable. So a great deal gets forgiven long before he's ever had the chance to think about it or even mention it. So between the man who won't take that risk with you and the man who's too smitten to notice, you end up in the same place. He says nothing. Or it was great, babe, no matter what happened. Or worse, he tells his friends and never tells you, and you're left guessing.

3:35Most women, if they're honest with themselves, have no idea where they land in this department.

3:40So I'm going to tell you 10 things. A few of them are going to be uncomfortable, but you tuned in. So I'm going to give it to you straight.

3:48Find the middle in the closeness. Principles for Mind Bending Sex I'm sure you've seen the publication. Everything sits on a spectrum and most women live at one end of it.

4:00At one end you go completely silent.

4:04Not a sound. He's working hard, he's giving you everything he has and you hand him nothing back.

4:11No feedback, no signal, no smiling or giggling, moaning or laughing.

4:16Generally just eyes winced shut or a head turned to the side with no proof of life. And you have to understand in the same way that if a man just laid there, and I know many of you are familiar with men just laying there, if you extremely deflating, and I would also say a little scary. On the other end of the spectrum, you perform. And I know a lot of you have been there too. Every touch met with a theatrical gasp. Eyes widening, some of you screaming the moment that your clit just gets brushed or tickled lightly. The whole thing narrated like a sports broadcast. And most men, at least the ones I know, don't like this over the top pornographic affairs. Most of us can tell we can always see the difference between what's real and what's staged. We just tolerate it because what are we Going to say to you in the middle of sex, stop the theatrics.

5:07So to be a better lover, it's important to find the middle. Let real sounds out, a breath, a moan that surprises even you. The small involuntary things that your body does when something actually feels good, those are worth more than anything you can manufacture. Number two, don't be the pillow princess. That's the term. That's the term for a woman who lies there and receives full stop. Now, this one is not for those of you who have husbands who selfishly have sex with you for 30 seconds to a minute, or 2 minutes to 5 minutes, finish themselves and then move on. This is for the women who love to get ravished, but indulge in it like a lifestyle. And listen. A genuinely skilled man will give it to you and give it to you well and. And damn, is it great to take all that in. He'll lead, he'll move you. He'll take you somewhere you couldn't have reached on your own. Yes, you deserve to feel great, and you deserve to have that full experience as often as you need it, just like he does. But participation isn't optional. The small things. Count your hands on his back, drawing him in. Great eye contact, arching towards him, responding and reacting to his touch and his movements. A leg wrapped around him or up over his shoulders. A willingness to move and to be in different positions. These are the things that tell us that you're actually here, not tolerating sex, but in it with us. A man who pours everything in and gets a limp body back will eventually stop pouring. Or, as I've often said, I just feel like I'm doing a bunch of cardio for you.

6:46Number three. Your body is an instrument. Learn to play it. I'll be the first one to admit my personal biases. I'm a dancer, an acrobat. I did yoga for decades. But this isn't about being a gymnast in bed. It's about your awareness.

7:01When your leg is dangling off in some odd position. It reads as disconnected or disjointed sometimes, like you've checked out of your own body.

7:10You. You don't have to be a contortionist. You don't have to think about how your leg looks in the air. And you don't even have to be super flexible. But you do need to have intention if you want to amp it up and make it look pretty. Sure. You can point your toes once in a while instead of leaving a flexed, sickled foot in the air. But you can also Try spreading your legs as wide as you can, holding your legs open, drawing your knees back towards your underarms or ears, and if possible, wrapping your legs around him. Let your hips move with him rather than lying there rigid. And I've got to say it, flexibility helps. Here again, it feels like it's on a spectrum. We either have girls who can do the full splits or women who say, oh, I can't even touch my toes. My legs open this wide. Listen, even 10 minutes of stretching a few times a week opens up what's available to you.

8:02But the real currency is intention. Your body is saying something during sex, whether or not you've decided what.

8:10Number four. I say this sensitively. Your insecurities are louder than you think. I've sat with women who describe covering their stomach with one hand the entire time that they're intimate, or holding their breasts so they don't move, or keeping a shirt on specifically to hide their middle section.

8:29I have real compassion for this one, and I understand where it's coming from. But understand what's happening in that moment. You have left and checked out again. There's no presence. You're in your head. You're no longer with him. You're worried about this and this and this and the angles and do you look okay? And do you look pretty enough? And you're with your anxiety.

8:50And he can feel the room change.

8:53Because anytime a woman gets into some energy like that, it's palpable. You've gone from a woman alive in her body to a woman who's managing an image. And when you're naked, there's no real managing to be done, so that electric charge drains right out of the whole thing. And sometimes you might even be wondering where the passion's gone. So wear the camisole, wear the open shirt, cover wherever you like, and do what feels good, as long as it's making you feel sexy and not serving as a shield or a barrier.

9:25Number five.

9:26Less armor, more you. And I say this with love as well. The heavy makeup, the lash extensions, the clip in hair, the excessive lingerie or strongly scented petroleum perfumes. I know they may make you feel beautiful. And maybe you think that you're doing this for you out in the world. And your man may love it, but in bed, these things often turn into obstacles. He reaches to grab your hair and stops because it might come away in his hand, or he feels like he's held onto a nest of some kind. He goes to kiss your neck and meets a wall of product in his mouth. Or tastes the chemical flavor of your perfume or makeup.

10:04He wants to hold your face and ends up negotiating three layers of it.

10:09The version of you with the least amount of stuff standing in between him and your actual skin is usually the one that lands the hardest. Because arousal in bed runs on proximity, not production value.

10:24He we want skin that we can feel and hair that we can take a hold of and pull. A face that we can get close to and give all those nice kisses without planning around the adhesive.

10:36Now let me pause for one second here and let you know that if this type of conversation is working for you, it resonates and you want to increase the dialogue. Come check me [email protected], fill out an intake form and we can enjoy a paid session together. All right, back into it. Number six, Grooming and hygiene. The unsexy truth. Most of you have this handled so I'll breeze right through it quickly because when it's off, it's a complete and total deal breaker. Just the way it is with a man. And almost no one will say it to your face.

11:05Clean, maintained, fresh, maybe bare, maybe trimmed, maybe shaped. That's between your preferences and his. This is the baseline that makes everything else possible is good hygiene and a fresh scent. I'm not talking about female beauty standards that men don't have to adhere to. I tell men the exact same thing. Smell great, bathe everywhere. And I know you're not supposed to get between some of your crevices ladies, but the other ones in back and other places, it's non negotiable.

11:35Number seven, this one surprises people. It's hard to talk about and I told you you probably wouldn't have heard these things. But even if you're deep into a marriage, go and get a checkup. I mean this should be happening annually but. But to be blunt, I mean an STI or an STD screening, plus sometimes something like BV or bacterial vaginosis. And yes, it's kind of as icky as it sounds. And smells can sit there with no symptoms that you happen to notice.

12:02You might have no idea, but he might. It changes your taste, your smell, the entire sensory experience for him and he will almost never raise it because like face it, this is a really hard subject to talk about and bring up and he can't find a way to say it that's not going to crush you. Sometimes a man will unbutton his partner's pants and a certain aroma will come wafting up and I know, take it off his plate. Save yourself any Embarrassment. Regular checkups handled as maintenance. Just the same way as anything else you do to care for your body and what the two of you share together.

12:39Number eight. Watch out for your won't list.

12:42There's a healthy version of this. Knowing your boundaries, stating them plainly, not doing things you don't want to do. All of that's genuinely attractive. I love it. Then there's the other version, where every single category kind of comes with a restriction. You won't go down on him. You'd rather he didn't go down on you. You don't like the way you look down there? Smell down there. Taste down there. Not that position. I hate how I look when I'm on top of. Not in the morning. I always have to do it with the bra on. Please keep the lights off or do it under the covers. Not when I'm getting ready for bed and certainly not when the kids are at home. At some point, a man takes in the whole map and thinks, what's actually left? What am I allowed to enjoy with my wife or girlfriend here? And hear this. His will to even try dies off.

13:30I'm not telling you to throw out your limits and your boundaries. But I am telling you to take a closer look at them honestly and ask whether they're real boundaries or just comfort zones that we can bump up against gently. Comfort zones that you've never questioned. Openness is one of the most attractive things a woman can bring into the bedroom. Not recklessness. Openness with a good man and someone who'll hear you out. You can build that slowly and work on this together.

13:58Number nine. Surprise. You don't actually have to be one. And done.

14:04So many women hit orgasm and the curtain falls. Done. Don't touch me. It's hypersensitive. Shut everything down. They roll away. Let's get cleaned up and let's get on with our day. I understand the physiology. But what most women never find out is that if you just ease off the direct stimulation for 20 or 30 seconds, let yourself breathe. Let her breathe. Stay close.

14:28Let the wave settle back down.

14:30Your body is often ready to climb and build again and again.

14:34Honey, you're made for this.

14:37Some of you were told your whole life, however, that one was the finish line. One orgasm is not the ceiling for woman. It's the beginning.

14:46It may take practice. It may take a different kind of touch the second time around. And third and fourth. But staying in the experience instead of both bolting from it, changes the entire night for both of you. Finally, number 10. Stay with him when you come. This is the hard one. I know what it takes for a lot of women to get there. The focus, the exact angle and the pressure and the rhythm and everything has to be right. Your concentration, it demands so much. And I want you to have your own experience. It's not about him or performing for him or doing anything to. To appease him.

15:24But when you arrive, eyes Scrooge shut, face turned away, contorted body curled on itself, completely gone inside your head all of the time. That is a solo event happening in the middle of a shared one. He's right there and he can feel that you've left.

15:41I want to double down and be really careful here because I'm not telling you don't enjoy your orgasm or don't have a personal experience once in a while, regularly or a lot of the time. But it is nice to be aware you don't have to lock eyes with him the entire time through, but one open look or smile, an intense look of passion, a hand that reaches him, his name, anything that tells him you're here with him and not just here by yourself. That's the line between sex and intimacy that keeps a man coming back to you for the rest of his life. None of this asks you to become someone that you aren't. What it asks is that you show up present and unguarded, open to growing, willing to sit with something uncomfortable. And it means the next time will usually be better than the last.

16:29The truly extraordinary lovers I've known had no secret technique. What they have is presence. They were actually there in their body, with their partner, awake to the whole thing.

16:41That's what he wants and loves from you, as well as being a freak in the sheets. And if this landed, if you want to take it deeper for yourself or for your relationship, come work with [email protected]. i welcome your comments. I read all of them and I'm looking forward to catching you in the next one.