If the sex isn't good now, it won't get better after the wedding. Nobody says it at the rehearsal dinner, so I will.
Almost everyone knows a couple who seemed perfect on paper and had a silent bedroom. Many of them felt it before they signed and told themselves it would improve once they were settled, once the stress of the wedding passed, once they had more time. A ring doesn't come with a sexual education, and a mortgage doesn't install desire.
This is the first episode of Sex After Marriage. I talk about the logic couples use to talk themselves past a quiet bedroom, why familiarity and obligation are the enemies of desire, the question to ask yourself before the vows, what to do if you've already signed, and what it looks like to build a marriage where intimacy is something you run toward instead of something you ration.
In this episode
- Marriage doesn't fix sex. Whatever is missing now comes with you into the marriage.
- A ring isn't an education. Commitment doesn't teach anyone how to be a good lover.
- Familiarity kills desire. So does treating sex as an obligation.
- Ask yourself the hard question. Do you want this person, or the idea of the life?
- Already married? It's learnable. Couples can build the sex life they never had.
Chapters
- 0:00The One Thing Nobody Says Before the Wedding
- 1:00"If the Sex Isn't Good Now, It Won't Get Better"
- 1:45The Couple Everyone Knows
- 3:15"It'll Get Better After"
- 4:15Your Ring Is Not a Sexual Education
- 5:30What the Mortgage and the Vows Don't Fix
- 6:30Familiarity and Obligation
- 7:00The Question to Ask Yourself
- 8:15If You've Already Signed
- 9:15What You Deserve
Watch the episode
Listen nextHow to Be the Best He's Ever Had→
Read the transcript
If you're newly married or you're engaged, or you're thinking about marriage, but the intimacy in your relationship isn't anywhere close to where you want it to be, keep watching. This is a must see episode. And even if you've been married for decades and you're in the same position, I strongly recommend you watch through to the end too, because I think this is really going to hit home. I've spent nearly a decade sitting across from thousands of couples and I can tell you with complete confidence the thing that most people think gets better after marriage. The electricity, the passion, the heat, the intensity.
For most of us, when it isn't already there, it quietly, slowly, painfully gets worse. If you're someone who loves your partner completely but you haven't quite been able to name the thing that feels a little off, but you know that it is, I'm going to name it for you. Here's what nobody in your wedding party is going to say to you at the rehearsal dinner. If the sex isn't good now, it is not going to get better after the wedding. That's it. It's a bold statement, and that's the quiet part. And I just said it out loud. But stick with me, because this isn't about scaring you or making some bold viral claim. This is about saving you from a very specific kind of slow heartbreak that I've watched happen to more couples than I care to count. So there's a version of this story that I hear all the time. There are two people who are completely wonderful together. You probably call yourselves best friends. You go everywhere together. You do everything together. And I get it. This can be the really fun part of it all. You laugh, you travel, you maybe even have a pet together or a child. And you're building a life together. The relationship looks beautiful from the outside, and I know your friends and family would tell you as much. And the truth is, it is beautiful. Mostly. Except that in the bedroom, something's always been a little quiet. And quiet is an understatement. Maybe the sex is infrequent. Maybe it feels more like a chore than a craving. Maybe his initiation is weak or soft or non existent. He tells you how pretty you are and when you go out, it's fun, but not much is happening between the cheeks and between the sheets. Maybe one of you finishes and rolls over and the other one is left staring at the ceiling, wondering if this is really what love and sex and marriage is all about.
Two to three minutes and then he's done even three to five before you've even had a chance to get warmed up or finish yourself. I'm sure many of you have asked yourself, am I just here to satisfy this person's need? I know what you're thinking and what you told yourself. Because the logic goes, once we're married, once the stress of the wedding is over, once we get settled in, everything will open up and it'll get better. And friends, I really need you to hear me on this. There are exceptions to the rule. And if you happen to have a remarkable partner who is always into growing, he wants the best for your relationship. He's willing to do the hard work, willing to be vulnerable, willing to put in the effort to get it done, unless he absolutely also wants to get that part of his life handled. This is not how this works. Here's something that no one speaks about, for who knows what reason. Your wedding ring is not a sexual education.
You suddenly now being granted permission by God, the state, your family, to now begin to be intimate does not suddenly give you all of the information and insight you need in order to be a really great lover. Not by any stretch of the imagination. And your shared mortgage isn't going to be doing you any favors either. If you don't know how to make your partner feel desired before you say, I do. The legal commitment does not install the knowledge. The honeymoon doesn't unlock it. And in fact, for some couples, it's the oh my God, what did I just do? Moment. And if you had limited sexual experience, or especially if this is your first serious relationship, and also if the female partner has had significantly more experience than her male partner, or if sex has always felt a little awkward or mechanical or just fine. Marriage doesn't fix that either. It freezes it and then it slowly compounds it over time. Because now there's a very clear and distinct expectation and obligation in the room. Now there's something we call familiarity. There's the unspoken pressure of this is the only person I'm supposed to want. And that pressure is the enemy of desire. I'm not saying love isn't enough. Love is extraordinary. And I personally love love. I love being in love. I'm saying that love and chemistry are two different things, and one of them cannot be willed into existence. So. I know that's a mouthful. What do you want to do with all of that if you're sitting with a little discomfort right now? I know I hate to say it, but good. The discomfort is information.
Don't quiet it with a venue deposit or renewing your vows, I'd like to be the one to ask you to ask yourself, honestly, privately, and with no one watching, do I feel genuine, almost involuntary desire, want, attraction and primal sexual energy for this person?
Not comfort, not familiarity, not best friends, not Netflix and truly chilling on the couch, not I love them, so it should count or it will work. I'm talking about the pull, the electricity, that thing that makes you reach for someone because you can't help yourself, you're so impassioned by them.
If you've never felt that with this person, or it only happened once, a long time ago, I want you to sit with that question a little longer before you sign anything that will permanently alter the trajectory of your life. And if you already signed and now you're feeling a little pit in the bottom of your stomach, I want you to sit with the gravity of that, too. Because the men and women who end up in my office, 10 to 30 years in, exhausted, resentful, quietly starving, they felt that exact same discomfort before the wedding. And they talked themselves out of it because they thought it would get better.
Let me be clear, though. I'm not telling you to leave. I'm not telling you to put an end to your marriage. I'm not telling you to break up for better sex.
And I'm not saying your relationship is broken. But I am saying that you do deserve to live a full life and to know what that feeling is like. Because for many people, that is the most important thing outside of their family and children.
A life aroused, a body electric. A life where intimacy feels like something you run toward, not something you negotiate, ration, or grieve.
And so does your partner.
This series, Sex After Marriage is going to go places most people won't.
We're going to talk about what actually happens behind closed doors after the vows, what my couples have confessed, and what you can actually do about it. Episode two may also be uncomfortable, but in the best possible way. If something I said cracked something open for you, don't sit with it alone. Yes, of course you can subscribe to watch more, but I would strongly recommend booking a paid session with me by visiting closeness.com because this is the exact kind of conversation that changes the trajectory of your life. My name's Tari. I'm a sex and intimacy mentor, and I've been helping couples deal with this for the better part of my life. I'll look forward to seeing you in the office. Thank you.
