Why She Thinks You Don’t Take Sex Seriously Enough

0:00I've spent the last 10 years coaching couples through their sex and intimacy challenges. And what I see consistently is this. Women tell me that their partners don't take sex seriously enough. They get too silly and tease, or they back down, so they don't upset or offend her. They might giggle when she giggles. If she laughs, he has to laugh. They might even be too sarcastic or condescending, and they might joke around to be playful, but they never actually get primal or erotic.

0:32If you see yourself or you see your partner in any of this, keep listening. Hi, my name is Tari from Closeness, and I've been a sex coach for over a decade. Today, I'm going to say the quiet part out loud by explaining what's really happening underneath all of that behavior. You see, as men, we don't really have a model for masculine erotic presence. And I want to say that phrase again because it's very likely you've never heard those two words put together.

1:00We wouldn't even know where to begin with erotic presence, building sexual tension or creating great chemistry. We weren't taught it. We don't see it or recognize it. And my experience is men try to thwart it or squash it the moment they start to feel it inside themselves because they get uncomfortable.

1:23So, ladies, when your husband gets too close to that energy, it feels unfamiliar to him, too vulnerable, too silly, too put on. He gets nervous, uneasy, and shuts down.

1:37What does he do instead? And how does he compensate? Most likely by trying to deflect, cracking jokes, using humor to keep things light or even ticklish.

1:48He tries to treat sex like it's cute or something that he needs to ask you to give him, instead of something that requires real, masculine, healthy dominance and presence. The problem is, if you're a woman, you've likely been asking for the opposite. You want to help him drop the performance, drop the joking and laughing and smiling, and show up as a man.

2:09But only women know what that really means for men. Listening. It means you've got to show up present, grounded and assertive or with dominant energy. And I'm pretty sure that you don't know how to access that because you think that playfulness is the safe bet.

2:27So you stay there.

2:29Let me be blunt. This tepid, careful behavior is killing your relationship. Taking sex seriously doesn't mean being too wooden or rigid or even too aggressive. It means understanding that eroticism has its own register.

2:44It's in a different mode or tone, if you will. It's a different energy or vibration, whatever you need to call it. But it's different than what you're doing now. Most men have never got permission to access it, and most men have never been taught how. Until now. So here's the first shift.

3:01Before you get into bed tonight, or sit with her on the couch or find her in the kitchen, get super intentional, and not just in your head, by thinking, okay, I intend to go kiss her. But in your body.

3:15Take a breath. Take three. Heck, take five or ten.

3:19Feel your weight beneath your feet. Feel your presence. Roll your shoulders back and have confidence in how you present yourself to her.

3:28Too much and she'll call you out. Too little, she won't even notice. I want you to drop out of that mental loop where you're wondering if you're doing it right and ground in to what's actually happening in the room with her. From there, it almost doesn't matter what you do next, as long as you aren't too aggressive and too passive. That single shift from your head into your body changes everything. You stop performing and you start being.

3:55You're tuning into her and seeing what's needed in the moment. Does she need a passionate kiss?

4:02Hint? Probably not. Usually not. She needs something other than kisses to get her started. For a lot of women.

4:11Okay, here's the second shift. Notice when you're using humor, sarcasm or jokes as an escape hatch and fallback plan.

4:20So you can always say, I was just kidding. I wasn't really trying to twist you out. If you catch yourself getting silly right when things are about to get deeper or more erotic, that's you leaving the room. Instead, stay.

4:34Let it be a little awkward, let it feel a little exposed, breathe through it and get to the other side of it.

4:40That discomfort is actually where the real erotic energy lives.

4:46That's where you can start to catch a glimpse of sexual tension. The very thing that you want to build with her. And of course, something that you can learn about by watching other closeness videos. Most men don't realize that eroticism is a skill. You can develop it. If you can get out of your own way long enough to foster some growth, you can get better at this, and your woman will thank you for it. The difference you'll see in her satisfaction and how she even interacts with you is palpable.

5:17And feeling yourself in your power, that's substantial. So the challenge I'm giving you is this. The next time you want something from her, try giving her something instead. Give her your presence. Try the first shift. Ground into your body. See what changes. Notice how different it feels when you're actually present instead of performing or seeking approval and validation. So if you're hearing this and thinking okay I get it but I actually don't know how to build this or move this into something substantial like how to go about it without feeling awkward and ridiculous, how to not feel like you're acting or role playing and you want to develop real presence and assertiveness or learn about healthy dominance that she responds to in a sexual way.

6:04 You've got a lot to explore but if you want a little more personal help for you and your partner or wife, I offer two on one sessions in person or virtually for those who want to go [email protected]. thanks for watching and I'll catch you in the