I Need Space! How Taking Space Is Costing You the Relationship

0:00All right, ladies, we need to talk. So I know you said it because you meant it. You were overwhelmed. The conversation was going nowhere, and you needed some air. So you said the words, I need space. And while you probably meant it, I'll give the benefit of the doubt and say you probably weren't trying to punish him and you just needed to breathe. Or maybe you got so frustrated you couldn't stand the sight of his face. We'll find out which three whopping days go by, because let's be honest, there's a part of you that's at least a little proud to confess to your girlfriends that you could keep this up all day or week. And by now, he's an absolute mess. A mess that you, at the very least, helped to create. And somewhere in there, you've lost a little respect for him and you feel a little guilty, too. So how did all this happen? My Name's Tari from closeness.com, i'm an intimacy mentor and guide, and I've been helping women navigate these murky, dirty waters from. For the past 10 years. So let me tell you something that most people won't, including your man, because frankly, he's a little afraid of you. The way that you take space might be quietly costing you the man that you want to keep and costing you your own peace and understanding as well, such as, why does this keep happening to me? Not because wanting space is wrong. It never is. It's actually extremely important.

1:21But because no one is ever taught how to take it when without setting off a bomb in the relationship. This is tough love, the loving kind. But here are five ways to take space that you need so that it works for both of you, and you keep your man in the process.

1:38Number one. And if you remember nothing else, remember this.

1:42Quantify the time.

1:45The difference between space that heals and space that detonates into the abyss of nothingness is. Is one sentence with a number in it. Give me an hour. I'll text you at 5. Let me sleep on this. Can we talk in the morning? I need the afternoon to myself. Nothing's broken. I'm not leaving. Let's come back to this tonight. I do want to talk to you about this. I love you. I'm not abandoning you. I'm not leaving you. And if you're truly unsure about how much time you need, double it or triple it. That's the secret. The women who keep their men and continue to trust them, love them, and respect them already know what is completely out of the question. However, My dear friends, is this. I need space indefinitely. I have no idea when I'll be ready to talk to you again. I couldn't even pontificate on the matter. My only answers to any questions you have are, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I just need space. I. I don't know when I'll be ready to talk to you again, so don't push me. That is not a boundary or anything close to it. You were taught incorrectly. That is an exile. Think about it. Every culture that has lasted built in a way to step away and come back. The retreat, the pilgrimage, the long walk, the day of rest. Stepping away is ancient and it's holy. I am all about it, and I have no problem with taking space. However, the vanishing act dressed up in pretty little words like ghosting and curving, that's the new part that we deal with. That's the insidious thing. And it breaks people.

3:20Now, here's why simply quantifying a time works. You're handing him something to hold and something to look forward to. It's a door left open, an actual boundary, something that he can honor and respect, a rule book, some guidance. Without it, you handed him a locked room, no key, and left him to fill the silence with the worst story that his mind can write. Oh, for sure she's going to go sleep with someone else. She's going to leave me. We're getting divorced. We're ruined. She hates me. I'll never talk to her again.

3:53Name the time, and not only do you stay the awesome, secure woman that he fell for, he also stays the secure man that you fell for. Leave it blank, and you become a question mark that he cannot stop poking at. And I know you've experienced that over and over again. Number two. And this one's going to sting a little bit, so stay with me. When you go quiet and you vanish, you imagine it reads as mysterious or strong.

4:21You've been told through rap videos and music videos and People magazine that you're finally putting yourself first and doing what's right for you.

4:30And from the inside, it feels powerful. You banish him. You leave. You go silent. You walk away, and you feel like you have all the power.

4:39From his side, it tends to read as one thing, the end of the relationship. You've really got to take that in. It reads to him as the end. Now, if you're a manipulative lady or you enjoy playing games, or you just love keeping him in shambles, have at it. But if you want a better way?

4:58Let me tell you what this does. Silence creates a vacuum, and a vacuum pulls. The longer you're gone with no word, the more he spirals and is sucked in towards you. He calls, he checks in, and it sounds like this. Is everything okay? Are you okay? I'm so sorry. I would do anything to get you back. Tell me what you need. I'll never do this or that again.

5:22And he gets your least favorite word.

5:25Needy. You then lose respect for him. And the exact neediness that you'll later say turns you off.

5:32You, in fact, created. You pulled it out of a man who only two days ago was strong and steady. Heck, he might have even been giving it to you great this morning in bed. But you refuse to name the time. And then he comes sniffing around every few minutes to try to make it right and fix the problem.

5:49And now you find him less attractive. So I ask you, who in that situation is really to blame? You built a trap and then resented him for stepping right into it.

6:01So I'm not telling you to coddle the guy. I'm telling you that a 10 second text or less.

6:07I need a little more time. I'm okay. Hey, let's talk tomorrow. That protects the very attraction that you're working so hard to preserve. It's not weakness. That's a woman who knows her own power and who doesn't need to torture someone to feel it. Number three, let's talk about some phrases, because I know you've got a whole drawer of them.

6:29Babe, it's not you, it's me. I just need to work on me right now. I don't know what I want. I can't even think straight. I just need some space.

6:38Leave.

6:39If you're unhappy with me, just leave.

6:44I'm gonna go.

6:45I'm gonna go. Okay?

6:51I just need to focus on me for a while. This doesn't work for me anymore. Ladies. These aren't soft, honest, dulcet tones of beautiful communication. They are breakup grenades aimed at a man with the pin half pulled. Sometimes they're honest. Sometimes. But often, and you know, when it's you, they're a way to avoid saying the real thing. Soft on the surface, brutal underneath. Because they leave him guessing for days.

7:18Especially when you don't let it resolve for days. I call these malignant phrases. They sound like kindness, they work like a slow leak, and they spread like cancer. So here's the tough love part. Don't leave a hostage note for a man that you love.

7:34If you need a night, say A night. If you need 10 minutes, take 30 and tell him as much. And if you're actually done, find the courage to say it because it's kinder than the slow burnout every single time. Clarity is a gift.

7:49Vagueness is cruelty. Wearing a gentle voice. And men. If you're watching, one quick word because I know you're watching too.

7:57To be clear, your job is to make it safe for her.

8:01If she gets punished every time, she's honest. If you rage or you collapse into tears and sadness or you become extremely needy, she will learn to disappear. Instead, receive her truth without making her pay for it. Now, one thing before we get to the last few if this type of thing is like hitting the nose on the head, this is the kind of work that I do. One on one and two on one. And you can find me at closeness.com I run a private practice and you can book a paid session. And you can join it [email protected]. all right, back to it. Number four. Real space and a performance are not the same thing at all, ladies. And he can feel the difference instantly. Real space looks like a walk journaling a long, quiet bath time by yourself. A real conversation with a friend who loves you. It's you alone with yourself or truly processing with a therapist, a coach, a mentor, and I hate to say it, but mostly, and ideally with yourself.

9:07That's what space means. A performance, a lie, a manipulation tactic. Looks very different.

9:15You said you needed the night, but lo and behold, you're at your girlfriend's house eating Cheetos and watching movies and just having another excuse for a girl's night.

9:23Harmless. On any other night, do as you please.

9:26Questionable on this one. A performance is the heels and the club. And a midnight story about living your best life posted exactly when you know he'll be hunting for clues and trying to figure out where you are. That's not processing. There's nothing about that. That is processing. That is a very specific message. It's emotional warfare. And the most damaging version is the homecoming line. Something happened that I don't know if I can tell you about. I wasn't planning on it. It wasn't my intention. I didn't mean for it to happen. I wasn't looking for it.

10:00Let me say the thing that nobody says. Nobody trips and falls and falls into someone's bed for an hour. If what you want is freedom to date, to choose, to be unattached, that's a completely valid thing to want and also probably requires a professional conversation. You are simply required to ask for it out loud and beforehand, not narrate it or feed it to him or breadcrumb him bit by bit. As it happens, taking space is not a hall pass. Take the freedom seriously or don't take it at all. Number five, and this is the one that turns all of it into power. Instead of rules. The people who take space and keep their relationship all do the same thing. They're taking decisive. They think it through for a minute. They are magical phrase here. Considerate of their partner. They say exactly what they need. I had a beautiful time. Or I don't want us to argue right now or I want us to be close and I'm going to take tomorrow to myself. Let's talk on Monday. I really need to be left alone for the day. I will reach out to you when I'm ready. And then you have to find a way to do it if you want to save the relationship.

11:08Said with warmth. Said with a timeline. Said like someone who guards the other person's heart even while protecting her own. To me, that's not weakness. It's the most attractive thing a woman can do because it tells him that you can leave the room and still love him, that life isn't going to fall apart. It tells him your space is not a threat. It's how you come back better. One necessary aside here, if you're truly in an abusive relationship is if it's nothing but fighting and fear and you don't feel safe. Taking space isn't your assignment. That's a situation for professional help. Getting yourself out safely when the time is right. Don't confuse the two. But here's a tender part that I almost left out. Sometimes you don't need space from him at all. You're just sad, heavy, quiet. You're somewhere else. You're feeling emotional. You don't really want to talk to anyone. You're someplace maybe words can't reach. And he's just hovering around.

12:03And the more shut down and quiet you get. I've never understood why ladies think that. The more almost annoyed and shut down and irritated and quiet and frustrated you get. You think that this is somehow helping the situation. No, it makes him hover. He's anxious, he's fumbling, he's trying to fix it. He's trying to hold you. And you want nothing to do with it. It's only making it worse. So you're allowed to say, I'm okay. It's not you. I just need to be quiet tonight or I need some time for me. This one sentence frees you both up. It lets him love you by not grabbing or grasping at you. It lets you feel what you feel without managing his worry on top of your own. The quality of your relationships shapes the quality of your life and the quality of this. The way that you leave and the way that you return is the whole relationship in miniature. For as long as people have loved each other, the ones who knew how to part well were the ones who got to come home. So take all the space that you need. Just take it like a woman who fully intends to be loved for a very long time. Space taken well doesn't have to end love. It's how love breathes. I'm Tari, you're watching. Closeness and the companion to this episode. What men need to know to not drive women crazy when they need space will be coming forthright. So now I'm gonna take a little space from you and I'll catch you in a week or less. You can count on it.