How to Properly Flirt With Your Wife or Girlfriend (Even After Years Together)

0:00Welcome to closeness, your new sexual education. My name is Tari and I've been an intimacy mentor to men, women and couples for over 10 years to help them unlock almost any issue in their intimate lives. Today's topic of conversation is how to flirt with your wife or girlfriend when you're already in the relationship. And let me start by being perfectly blunt. Most men have not learned or never knew how to flirt with their partner. Most men, if they're being honest, feel a handful of emotions. They feel awkward when they try to flirt, they feel ridiculous. They feel like they are role playing or acting out some sort of script, being unnatural, or more specifically, becoming someone that they're not. And so they don't even try because they just assume it's not going to work anyway. But here's what's actually happening. Your wife or your girlfriend is hungry for it.

0:52She's starving for any kind of attention that says, I still like you, I still want you, and I still want to play with you. So when you finally do do it, even imperfectly, what happens? Her eyes light up. She becomes sexually available, sensually available to you. She becomes more soft and more feminine. And in my opinion, she becomes interested in you in a way that you may not recognize or haven't seen in quite some time. It might take you by surprise. The problem is, it's very likely that if you get it right, you don't understand what you did, how you got there, or why it happened. And so therefore you don't know how to keep going with it. Chances are you're thinking that you can do one thing and you think you're being flirtatious, and then it should all just unfold effortlessly from there. So if you're watching this, it's very likely you feel too awkward to flirt with her, too stuck in your head, or you don't know how to build on that moment. And that is exactly what we're going to fix today. But learning how to do it properly, I want you to think about this as masculine flirtatiousness. We don't want to flirt the way women do. Well, because we have such a bastardized version of what masculinity is today. Because no one can define what it is, because women are scared of it and men are scared to be it. Nobody knows how to do it anymore. So let's start first with what masculine flirting actually looks like. Because it is not the same as feminine flirting.

2:16Women flirt by batting their eyes, flipping their hair, being coy, wry, submissive, being feminine. If I started flipping my Hand all over the place in a very feminine way. You wouldn't take me seriously if I start batting my eyes at you and being coy, no one, not men or women on the other side would find it attractive or interesting. And that's because that's a woman's language, and men have an entirely different toolkit. Masculine flirting is, first and foremost assertive.

2:47It's confident, it's playful, and it has to be specific. And I understand you've probably heard those words a million times. Don't tune out. If you hear, be more masculine and assertive. I understand that you probably don't know what to do with that, and we're absolutely going to get to it. Here's what it looks like in practice. Sustained eye contact.

3:06Not staring, not being creepy, not. Not blinking.

3:11Just the kind of eye contact that says, I'm present with you and I'm interested in you. Now, what you want to pair with your eye contact is a tone shift. And if you want a very clear example of that, probably 80 to 90% of my oral podcast is delivered in that soft, deeper, masculine tone. So what does that mean? It means you just drop your voice a little lower, you speak in a more deliberate fashion, and you actually want to speak slower. You're not asking permission. You're making a statement. And I'll give you an easy example using a statement that you've likely said to your wife before.

3:49But it hasn't worked very well, and I don't recommend you use this statement. I'm doing it only for tone. If I want to ask my wife if she wants to go upstairs, and I'm only going to exaggerate this slightly, I go, hey, babe, do you think you might.

4:03Do you want to go upstairs and, you know, mess around a little bit later?

4:07Highly unlikely that she's going to show any interest in that. But if I say, instead, why don't you come upstairs with me for a minute?

4:17It has a totally different impression. And then finally, you might lean in slightly, you might close distance a little bit, but always leaving a gap. You don't want to be too close or brushed up too much against her. You want about this far away where she can actually see you with or without glasses on and have a clear sense of where you are, not up here and personal. You're not grabbing. You're not reaching for something. You're not asking her permission if it's okay. You're signaling to her that you're sexually interested. It's not saying one thing in a certain tone. It's not one form of touch. Flirting, to me, is a layering process.

4:54You put something down, she responds. You add to it. She adds a layer, you add a layer. There's a banter that goes. Goes back and forth. And sometimes you have to put down a few layers before you get a response. Eye contact plus tone, plus saying something sexy or interesting or flirtatious or even something bland and neutral in a very direct tone, plus physical proximity plus some form of touch or caress, putting all that together sometimes at the same time, that's what creates flirtatious contact.

5:27So why don't you do this naturally? Why don't you just flirt with your wife more often?

5:32Most likely because somewhere along the line, you learned that it was unsafe or she reprimanded you, humiliated you, embarrassed you, told you not to, told you she wasn't in the mood. You heard that a handful of times. And when you took it more than she could, you took it probably 10 times more than she could. And then you shut down, your tail went between your legs, and you said, I'm never doing this again. You might have actually been taught that it was disrespectful or too forward for you to flirt. But make no mistake, it is absolutely not disrespectful or too forward to flirt with your wife or girlfriend or a female partner who is interested in you or sexually interested in you. There's a time and place, but it's not disrespectful or inappropriate. And then finally, you might have just got too comfortable with one another. And then that spark starts to fade.

6:20Comfort is not sexy. Comfort is safe. Now, here's the hard thing. Women especially. But we do this too as men. But women push massively for safety and comfort because they feel safe. And they could exist in the world and not worry about something bad happening to them. But the moment you become too familiar, you become her best friend. You do everything together. You feel like your brother and sister.

6:47The sexual chemistry goes right out the window. And then, little by little, you forget that flirting was even an option. And what I'm here to remind you of is that it's always an option. It's always on the table. And the longer your relationship goes, the harder it feels to start. Especially men, if you've stopped and you feel so awkward and nervous about starting up again, because now you've got this history, now you've got comfort. Now she knows you too well. You. If you just walk up to a stranger in the street and you say something flirtatious, you're absolutely right in thinking it can go 10 times better than it would with your wife because it feels too familiar. And here's a part I think you're really going to resonate with because you're so familiar and you've spent so long building comfort and safety with this person. Now it feels like you're introducing something new, foreign and different to the relationship. Like something artificial and something that doesn't belong.

7:46You both get that little bit of awkwardness or fear. You both pull back, you shut down, and then intimacy never happens. By the way, if you're finally ready to understand how sex and intimacy actually works in your relationship, or if you're single, then book a paid consultation with me today by visiting closeness.com I'll teach you how to get and keep more of what you want in a sexual relationship with the person who you're with. Learn what actually works. Learn how to get her turned on and excited, and how to position yourself for success in this brave new world of sex and intimacy. Visit closeness.com for more details. The links are in the description but your wife or girlfriend didn't marry you so that the attraction could die. And I don't think you did either. She married you or got together with you, and then attraction got buried under comfort, safety, being best friends, and under the false and erroneous assumption that you don't need to do that anymore. But she still wants it and she still wants to do it and she still wants to experience it. And one of the best kept secrets about women that I'm constantly trying to convey to everyone is that women respond in kind. When you pull back, she pulls back. When you lean in, she leans in. When you get awkward, she gets awkward. It's always that way.

9:03It's very rare that she's setting the tone. And if she is, because I know many of you are in relationships where it feels like she absolutely does, it's because she's unconscious or too aggressive or too loud or too domineering or controlling, or there's some sort of hostile or distant or protective atmosphere in the air that's making everyone uneasy and she doesn't like it. And you don't like it either. But what happens when you actually start flirting with her, even just a little bit and even for a few seconds, is that something starts to shift. Her nervous system shifts, she begins to open up, she becomes present and she becomes suddenly aware of you in a sexual way. Not as dad, not as a husband, not as the guy who provides or the breadwinner. As a Sexual being and everyone listening. You've got to understand, this is not because you're doing something wrong or, or manipulative or illegal or against the law. It's because you're communicating something primal. I still want you. I still desire you. And this is gold for women. You want to convey to her that I still see you as desirable. I'm sure many of you have heard the comment, I want you to want me. I want to feel wanted by you. I don't feel wanted or desired. This is what she's talking about.

10:24Even attractive guys, tall guys, fit guys, gorgeous guys, they all feel awkward doing this at first, all of them. And to me, that's because they're used to being in one mode in their relationship and one mode only. Comfortable, familiar, safe, sarcastic. I always crack jokes. I'm never present. I'm always making people feel uncomfortable with sarcasm. I'm always being aggressive or I'm always. Just the facts, ma'. Am. Just the facts. And since you're now shifting into another mode, it doesn't feel comfortable, it's unfamiliar, and it doesn't feel safe. And I'm here to tell you, all you gotta do is practice. Lean in, dive in. Ignore her knee jerk responses. Ignore her being like, oh, I've never seen you like this before. What's going on? Just keep going.

11:13And I assure you, it's not acting.

11:16It's not acting. You're not reading lines and then performing them. It's just a different frequency. And quite simply, the more you do it, the less awkward it becomes because she's going to respond. Her body is going to respond and that feedback is going to make it feel real, not fake. For her, first and foremost, and then for you as well. Okay, so let's bring it all together. Where do you start with all of this?

11:39What you don't need to do is plan it all out. What you don't need to do is wait for the right moment. This is the worst thing to do. And guys do it all the time. Start small. She's on the couch. She's in the kitchen making coffee. You slow down, you make eye contact, you deepen your voice and you say something playful. Maybe something that teases her gently.

12:02Maybe a sensual comment, maybe even a very sincere compliment. Something that says, I'm here with you right now and I'm enjoying it.

12:10I'm a big believer in examples. I love giving examples. You hear me do it all the time. This is one area where watching me do it to you on the screen is not going to have the same impact or be remotely interesting. So that's why I'm being a little bit vague here and saying you do it. But I will give you one caveat.

12:29Don't overdo it. Every guy also does this. They think that I said lower your voice. So they drop into a deep voice like this and talk really slow and come in. Hey, baby, you want me to get that cup of coffee for you?

12:45I'm sure you'll make her laugh. I'm sure you'll make her giggle and that's wonderful because a giggling, laughing woman is very fun and exciting to be with. But it's most likely not going to flip that sexuality or primal switch on. You're just cracking jokes. It's like being a stand up comedian. But if you do it right, I want you to notice what happens. Notice how she stands up or reaches back behind her to touch you or turns around to you. Notice if she smiles, if her body language shifts, and if she becomes more engaged with you. That's it. That's the first layer. From there, you layer on a little more. I love this analogy we're working with here of layering. It's not just a doing or a completing of a task. It's laying down a foundation. Add a little more touch, a little more proximity, a little more flirtatiousness, A slight smile, caressing, some touching, some deep breathing, a longer moment of eye contact, a smirk instead of a smile. You're building. You're not forcing, you're playing, you're not performing. You're taking it seriously while still playing. There's a difference between being silly and playing with her and engaging with her.

14:04It's going to feel awkward at first. It's perfectly normal. It's not a sign that it's not working.

14:09Doesn't mean you should give up. Doesn't mean if you do it five or ten times, you should give up. It's a sign that you're actually doing something different, that you're stepping back into a part of yourself that I bet you missed and I bet you also haven't seen in a while.

14:23I can promise you that your wife or girlfriend, if she likes you and she's attracted to you, she is waiting for you to do this, she is dreaming of you doing this. And the moment that you start, even imperfectly, you're going to see some change in her. There might be a tiny moment where she's calling you out and asking what it is. Just take it as feedback that you weren't smooth enough and keep going.

14:49No manipulation. No lies, no tricks. However, in flirtatiousness you're allowed to exaggerate. You're allowed to be playful. Just remind her that you still see her and you still want her. And if you could convey that without those exact words, even though they're useful, that will be even more powerful. You're going to see a difference of why flirtatiousness matters in your long term relationship, because it's something she's always going to need to hear, even after many years together. Let me know what you think down in the comments and what you would add to this and how you would help other men and women listening do you know how to flirt? Do you know? Do you have examples of how you like to flirt that you think are flawless and work? Don't worry if you share it with the world, it's not not going to work on your partner or future partner. You know, flirting in a long term relationship isn't just about rekindling a spark that's gone. It's about tending to the spark that's always been there. You've just let it go dormant. It just gets tucked away under everything else, like laundry and kids and school and projects and life and being exhausted.

15:51And all it takes is you being a little awkward, a little vulnerable at first, and getting in your reps, putting in the paces. But once you step into that masculine, playful energy, you're going to realize that this is why she wanted to be with you all along. If you've enjoyed this episode, I would strongly recommend passing it on to someone who, you know, who needs it for some other interesting value propositions. If you'd like to work with me firsthand, you can visit closeness.com and fill out an intake form to get started, or just schedule a phone consultation or fly into sunny San Diego to work with me in person. You can listen to the auditory version of Closeness Everywhere podcasts can be found. Thanks for listening and I'll